Is Communication the Secret to Better Relationships?
Our lives are a sum total of our relationships. The relationships we have with our significant other, the ones we have with our family and friends. The relationships we share with our business associates, co-workers, neighbors, church acquaintances, etc… One of the best things YOU can do to improve your life is to improve your relationships.
If YOU would like to have better relationships, with any and all of the people you know, there’s one secret. Improve your communication.
When I suggest this to most people, they simply think I mean to talk more to their partner. That’s not it though. That’s not enough. Most people don’t know how to communicate well and communicating badly can often be worse than not communicating at all. The average person doesn’t know how to share with others what they are thinking and feeling and they don’t know how to properly hear what others are saying to them.
Communication is not just a two way process, between the speaker and the listener, but a four part process, between what is being said and heard, interpreted and understood. All four parts are critical for both parties. Let’s cover each piece.
What is Being Said:
Words have a lot of meanings. Choose them carefully. Each word YOU use in conversation could change the meaning of what YOU intend to say and what is actually being heard.
What is Being Heard:
The flip side of what is being said is what is being heard. Since most people love to talk and few people know how to listen, this is an important piece. Think of this piece of the process as the filter. This is where we pick and choose what we hear.
What is Being Interpreted:
Because there are different meanings for words and because we are all unique based on completely separate sets of life experiences, we all filter information differently. Think of this part of the process as the piece where we begin to evaluate what is being heard, to really think about it.
What is Being Understood:
The final step in the process is what is being understood. As we begin to interpret the information we are hearing, we give meaning to it. This is where we make the judgement as to what we believe the other person has said. Remember, this is our judgement and may or may not accurately reflect what the speaker intended to say.
How it works in the real world:
My 16 year old son works for me. One of the things he does to earn money is to clean the house. He’s not very good at it. The other day, he was vacuuming but missing many of the nooks and crannies. When you have dogs, it’s important to vacuum EVERYWHERE or the hair will just blow back around anyway. My husband, whom I love to death, but who is honest about the fact that he doesn’t sugar coat anything; was informing my son that he needed to move the boxes on the floor to get behind them. The exchange went something like this shortened version.
Husband, “You need to move the boxes to get behind them.”
Son, “I wasn’t thinking.”
H, “You need to think. You can’t get through life without thinking.”
S, “I was thinking.”
H, “You just said you weren’t thinking.”
S, “I meant I wasn’t thinking about that. I’m not stupid.” (A different word was used but I choose not to use it here).
H, “I didn’t say you were stupid, I said you weren’t thinking.”
This conversation went on for a full 10 minutes before I had to intervene and explain that they were each hearing things completely differently from the other, even if they might have been using the same words.
How, then, do you have better communication?
Always remember that the words you use and the words they use may have different meanings based on yours and their set of individual life experiences. Choose to clarify what you believe you are hearing them say so there are no misunderstandings. Keep an open mind to the idea that you may be interpreting things much more harshly than they may be intending them.
As a family, we are working on better relationships. My husband doesn’t sugar coat things. It was a very hard thing for me to get used to. We’ve been together for over 12 years now. In those 12 years, I learned to realize that what he said was not a direct attack at me but simply the simplest way he could put things into words. My son asked my husband to rephrase the term “thinking” in the conversation above. My husband said he didn’t know how to soften it other than saying “paying attention”. But, he said, he didn’t see the difference between those two statements. My son and I saw a world of difference.
What can you do differently to have better relationships and better communication?
Source Nicole Bandes, Golden Eagles Coaching