Putting on the Brakes
As we go through life and learn the various tasks involved in growing up, perhaps one of the most anticipated task in life is learning to drive. Remember how much we looked forward to the freedom of driving?
While learning to drive, one important lesson was how to stop the car. It’s the first thing we’re taught. The reason – learning to apply the brakes is vitally important to all those in the car, and around the car. Well…putting on the brakes is an important skill in marriage and relationships as well.
When your conversation starts off on the wrong foot or you find you’re both in a cycle of blame and defensiveness, you can often prevent a disaster if you know how to ‘apply the brakes’ Marriage researcher John Gottman calls these brakes repair attempts and they’re the secret weapon of happy couples.
Marriages that are built on and sustain a good marital friendship are not devoid of arguing and disagreements. In fact, 69% of marriage problems are perpetual. Repair attempts, when used well, are the secret weapon that prevents arguments getting out of hand. The two key factors in determining whether repair attempts are successful are:
1. The current state of the relationship.
2. The ability of the attempt to get through to your partner.
For example – Bob and Susan were in a heated discussion about their house move. They see eye to eye on where they want to live, how to set up the house (mostly), and where to put the kids in school. The battle lines are being drawn over the set up of the family room. Susan thinks they should use their current TV and sound system while Bob wants to use the chance to upgrade to a new system he’s had his eye on for some time now. It’s not extravagant and they have the money from the sale of their current home…but the more they talk, the louder it gets.
If someone overheard the argument, they’d think there was no hope of a lasting marriage…when all of a sudden Susan puts her hands on her hips in perfect imitation of their 4 year old daughter, and proceeds to stick out her tongue. Since Bob knows she’s about to do this, he beats her to it by sticking out his tongue first. They both start laughing…and this silliness defuses the tension between them.
Repair attempts are any statement or action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from spiraling out of control. When a couple has a solid foundation together and a good friendship with each other, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly receiving those sent their way. If a couple is negatively locked down with each other, even a blatant repair attempt of “Hey, I’m sorry” will have trouble getting through.
What determines the success of repair attempts is the strength of the marital friendship. Everyone has room to grow and improve when it comes to strengthening the state of their marital friendship. This is not as easy as simply being “friendly” or “nice.” It involves our own personal growth and emotional maturity, as well as our spouse’s although we are each responsible for our own emotional growth.
Begin to learn and recognize the repair attempts between you as they happen. Sometimes they are missed because they don’t come sugar-coated and could be a simple “Why are you changing the subject” or “Can’t we discuss this later?” This is still a repair attempt and is often overlooked.
One of the best strategies to begin with is to make your attempts obvious and formal. Statements like “this is getting out of hand, can we discuss this later” or “can I take that last statement back, I’m sorry” can go a long way in smoothing the waters between you. If you’re on the receiving end of a repair attempt, your job is to simply try and accept it. Confront you own anxieties and tension from the discussion and plan to come together to discuss more at a later time when you are both calmer.