8 Key tools for Relationships
by Caterina Rando
Tool 1 – Recognize and deal with Stress
Stress and marital troubles go hand and hand. The higher one’s stress level, the easier it is to allow poor relationship habits to get out of control. It is a challenge for most of us to manage our stress levels in a complex world with many demands and expectations. Find stress relieving activities to help you manage e.g. gym, walking etc.
Tool 2 – Develop Empathy
Have you ever been in a situation where you tried to express your feelings to your partner and it backfired in some way? Some of us are very good at knowing how we feel and expressing it, while others struggle to do so. It is crucial to express emotion in order to relate to those around us. Our ability to know how we are feeling as well as our ability to accurately sense the feelings and worldview of those around us help us make positive connections with our partner and others. “The first duty of love is to listen.” – Paul Tillich.
To empathize with your partner is to see with his/her eyes, to hear with her/his ears, and to feel with your partner’s heart. Lack of empathy leads to poor communication and a failing to understand your partner and why he or she may navigate life differently than you. Lack of empathy from your partner can also lead to much conflict between you if you don’t feel understood by him or her.
Tool 3 – Respond Instead of React
Many times couples develop behavioral patterns with each other and automatically react when the other does something upsetting. Developing the trait of responding instead of just reacting like you always do is hugely important to the success of the relationship and turning things around. If you keep doing what you always do, is it any surprise that you keep getting the same outcome? It is important to understand that marital conflict results not just from what was done by one of you, but also by your response to what was done (How you deal with it). Having the power and choice to choose how you respond can actually influence the future behavior of your partner. Start today by responding differently to what he or she is doing that upsets you.
Tool 4 – Change That Conversation with Yourself
Just because your partner says or does something you don’t like doesn’t mean that you need to automatically get upset over it. How upset you become over it has a lot more to do with what you tell yourself about it (your attitude toward it) than with what was actually done. How we think about our partner and what they did is called “self-talk” which can greatly influence how we feel and how we deal with our partner and their upsetting behavior.
Tool 5 – Communicate Assertively
Good communication skills are an essential ingredient to a good relationship because poor communication causes untold emotional hurt, misunderstandings, and conflict. Words are powerful, but the total message we convey to our partner is even more powerful and often determines how they will respond to us and how we feel toward them.
Assertive communication (vs aggressive) is a set of skills to honestly and effectively communicate how you feel without getting angry, hostile, insulting, or ugly about it. Assertive communication also means standing up for yourself when necessary rather than “stuffing” feelings or handling them with destructive patterns such as emotional shutdown or passive-aggression.
Tool 6 – Adjust Expectations
Many relationship conflict results from the gap between what we expected and what we actually get from our partner or the relationship. Often the problem is not so much what our partner does or doesn’t do, but more what we expected in the first place. Research shows that a high percentage of common marital issues are not changeable; learning to live with each other around these issues is often a matter of adjusting expectations, or, aligning expectations with each other so that you are not at cross purposes with each other.
Tool 7 – Forgive!
Anger and other negative emotions in relationships are often the result of grievances we hold toward our partners for something they did, usually because of our perception and feeling of having been wronged by them in some way. But, you can let go of resentments when you realize that just because your partner says or does something you don’t like doesn’t mean that it is necessarily wrong – just different. Forgiveness (or at least acceptance) often follows when you can develop the skill of increased tolerance for differences between you and your partner in opinions and values.
Tool 8 – Retreat and Think Things Over!
Jim and Mary Jones loved each other deeply, but often went into horrific verbal battles over any number of issues. However, they were unable to give each other “space” during an argument with Mary insisting they solve the issue immediately. Even worse, Mary often physically blocked Jim from leaving and would follow him from room to room demanding discussion. Needless to say, this is a dangerous practice as it can escalate levels of anger even further and cause partners to do and say things they don’t really mean and may later regret!
Research shows that we are pretty much incapable of resolving conflicts or thinking rationally in an argument when our stress level reaches a certain point. To avoid losing control either physically or verbally, it is often best to take a temporary “time-out” to cool down. This tool of developing a positive marriage works much better if (a) you commit to return within a reasonable amount of time to work things out, and (2) you work on your “self-talk” while trying to cool down.
Imago Relationship theory explains why these differences which often lead to frustrations in a relationship are actually a natural part of our growth process and how we communicate with each other. When we select a partner, it is the result of an unconscious match between a mental image of our parents/caretakers, created in childhood (called Imago) and certain character traits of our attracted partner that we identify with.