What is your Relationship Role?
“In each journey of your life you must be where you are. You may only be passing through on your way to somewhere else seemingly more important – nevertheless, there is purpose in where you are right 
now.” (Rabbi Tzvi Freeman)
There is more meaning in the search for a soul mate than finding the perfect partner for life. As important as this goal is, there is a purpose in the process itself. The alternative could be a growing enslavement to negativity, self-doubt and hopelessness. These Four questions can help one see a deeper purpose in this process.
1) What Can I Give?
When one thinks of doing kindness for another, images of charity come to mind. Though such acts require an investment of time/money and other resources, we usually feel good afterward because of the deep satisfaction of helping another person. In general, we do not view our Partner to be an act of kindness. To some degree it becomes like any other task with a goal, in this case to have a relationship and to have a nice time while doing so.
While that is obviously important, it can also serve as a chance to offer respect and care for another person. The form this takes varies from person to person. In some cases, the act of treating someone to a nice meal in a restaurant, and truly listening to them, can lift the other person’s spirits and make them feel better after a stressful day. Or, as your partner describes a problem they are dealing with, you can share your own lesson that could help them find a solution. You could just be the teacher or the student, each one an opportunity to grow and self evolve.
2) What Can I Learn?
To some degree, this is the flip side to the first question, although they certainly are not mutually exclusive. So besides the more obvious purpose of the relationship, try to recognize that the person you are with may be a messenger to teach you something about yourself that you need to know.
3) Why Am I Here?
Of course, the purpose of a relationship is to get to know someone better. But perhaps that’s only on the surface. On a deeper level you may come into contact with other people through your partner that may need to hear something from you. The bottom line is that on almost any instance, other people and situations will surround you. Perhaps you have been paired up with your Partner to make a difference in the lives of others in a way that neither of you could have anticipated.
4) How Can I Grow?
Every day we pray to God with a multitude of requests: health for those who are ill, jobs for those who are unemployed, our own daily needs. Yet when we pray about finding “The One”, you need to ask yourself what you really want out of life and the values that are most important to you. On an interpersonal level, you are constantly being tested to see if you can “walk the talk” of being the person you want to be and the value system you subscribe to. These tests come in all forms and shapes that no one else may be aware of:
• Can you resist the temptation to tell your friends about how poorly you were treated by a man/woman and point out all their faults, when doing so serves no constructive purpose?
• Can you avoid being abrupt or rude with the person you’re talking, so you can race across the room to speak to someone who does interest you?
• Can you be fully present and treat a person with attentiveness and respect when after five minutes (or less) you don’t think you will ever see them again?
• Can you have the integrity to not pursue something which could be comfortable, but inconsistent with your values?
Imago Relationship theory explains why these differences which often lead to issues and frustrations in a relationship are actually a natural part of our growth process and how we communicate with each other. When we select a partner, it is the result of an unconscious match between a mental image of our parents/caretakers, created in childhood (called Imago) and certain character traits of our attracted partner that we identify with.