The Art of Communication
There are two kinds of problems in marriage – those that can be resolved and those that can’t.
The bad news is that two-thirds of marriage problems are not resolvable. This is true whether you are in a master marriage or a disaster marriage – happy and unhappy couples fight about the same things. Research clearly demonstrates that conflict is not the cause of unhappy marriages – its how conflict is handled that makes the difference yet most couples wait for six years after they know their relationship is in serious trouble before they seek help.
Dr. John Gottman’s research identifies communication styles that predict the end of a relationship, called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. (If you’re not familiar with Biblical references, the Four Horsemen are a metaphor for conquest, war, hunger, and death associated with the end times). In marriage – the four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
The first destructive horseman in a relationship is criticism. Understanding the difference between criticizing and complaining is more than semantics, because criticism is the slippery slope that slides into contempt. Criticisms creep in when complaints are ignored. Criticisms are global attacks on character and worth that target the shortcomings of the other. Complaints are objective statements of unmet needs.
The second horseman is contempt. Contempt is intentionally abusing your spouse – verbally, emotionally, and psychologically. Contempt expresses the complete absence of any admiration and is delivered with insults, name-calling, hostile humor, mockery, and body language. Contempt is toxic and its presence is an indication of a disintegrating marriage. It must be eliminated.
If criticism and contempt are a regular part of your relationship style, think about seeking help take get a different take on this. These two horsemen grew up in childhood wounds such as parental criticism, shaming, belittling or excessive demands.
The third horseman is defensiveness. It’s a natural reaction to being criticized or treated contemptuously. It’s also a way of sidestepping responsibility. If we are ignoring complaints, failing to contribute creative solutions, those complaints are likely to become criticisms which we naturally want to defend against.
Remember the mantra: Don’t attack. Don’t defend. Don’t Withdraw. Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse. Stay present, especially when the going gets rough.
The fourth horseman is stonewalling. When we stonewall, we avoid the hard work of growing up, either because we are unaware of our own feelings or because we are afraid of conflict. Rather than dealing directly with the issue or with our partner, we check out by tuning out, turning away, engaging in busyness or obsessive behaviors. We simply stop relating to the most important people in our lives.
Contempt is the most lethal of the four. It’s the acid rain on a marriage, withering affection and destroying hope. So for a simple marriage, you simply have to get rid of these – and contempt has to go first.
Here are some tools that will help you along the way:
- Talk face to face.
- Turn off other distractions during the conversation.
- Don’t answer the phone.
- Forget about being right or wrong.
- Focus on the intention.
- Seek compassionate connection.
Imago Relationship theory explains these differences which often lead to issues and frustrations in a relationship, and are actually a natural part of our growth process and how we communicate with each other.