Are you using your kids to escape your marriage? By Lylah M. Alphonse (Jun 14, 2010)
It runs counter to our instincts as parents, but new research suggests that making your kids your top priority may be doing them more harm than good.
An Episcopal minister and family coach, David Code, suggests that parents who focus first on maintaining a strong marriage end up having happier, better-adjusted children than those who make their kids their top priority. “The truth is we often find it easier to be with our kids than our partners. This seems child-friendly, but we don’t realize we’re using our kids as an escape from our spouses.
Parents wanted me to fix their kid’s problem when it was obvious to me the child couldn’t help acting out because of the highly anxious household he/she was living in.”
Married for 14 years and the father of a 10yr boy and 8yr girl, Code says that the idea of a conflict-free marriage is a myth. “Most couples believe that if they don’t fight much, then they don’t have relationship problems,” he said. But when partners don’t address issues directly, they end up avoiding the problems – and each other. “We turn to our electronic screens, work long hours, shuttle our kids, co-sleep with our kids, or we make up excellent reasons why we never have sex anymore.”
The avoidance leads to tension and anxiety, which in turn can cause all sorts of problems for children. “You can’t hide the tension in a marriage, because kids pick up on everything. Parents don’t realize they are off-loading their anxiety onto their kids, and then kids act-out or develop [medical or emotional] symptoms.”
The solution seems counterintuitive – to raise healthy kids, simply put your marriage first and your children second.
Here’s the biggest myth of parenting: The more attention we give our kids, the better they’ll turn out.” Studies show today’s parents spend more time with their kids, and yet today’s kids don’t seem happier, more independent or successful. They seem more troubled, entitled and needy.”
Unlike children and their demands, “Our marriages are important, but not urgent. So we neglect to feed and water our marriages, which die so slowly and quietly that we don’t even realize our mistake until it’s too late. Not only do we lose our marriages, we set a poor example for our children’s future marriages, and we also create highly-anxious households where our kids soak up that anxiety and then act out.” Code is not saying that the needs of the spouse outweigh those of the child. “I don’t see it as either/or,” he said. “I see it as setting priorities that benefit everyone in the long run, even if they don’t recognize it at present.” By focusing on the marriage first and the children second, parents can also avoid another pitfall: overparenting (a.k.a. “helicopter parenting).”
”The definition of overparenting is doing for your child what your child can, and should do, for him/herself. We think this is child-friendly, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. We over-protect and over-praise until they believe they truly are the center of the universe. They learn no skills in teamwork or cooperation, and their future bosses and spouses won’t be able to stand them.” Code admits to having done his share of helicopter parenting. “Before, I was not even aware of how much helicopter parenting I was doing, or the damage it was doing to my kids,” he says.
”Today, I am more self-aware. I still do plenty of helicoptering, but I catch myself sooner and do less harm to my kids.” Even small changes – talking about both the highlights and the “lowlights” of your day, going for a walk together (baby monitor in hand, if necessary) after the kids are in bed instead of watching TV, and reinforcing your bond with your partner through intimacy – can make a big difference in the long run.
Introduction to Imago Relationship Therapy is a 3hr ‘mini’ workshop providing an overview of Imago Theory and principles and how our mental image of love and differences can help improve communication in your personal relationships with your partner and children and in the professional world.
If you are currently not in a relationship, the personal insights and tools gained will give you a good grounding for your next relationship.
Date: Sat 24 July 2010 – 14:00-17:00
Place: Lonehill/Bryanston, Johannesburg
Cost: R150pp (book early as spaces are limited to 10 people to ensure a personal, interactive session).