Sex Secrets of really happy couples…they don’t do it every day (whew!) and they believe in quickies (yay!).

Read on for what top marriage and sex experts have to say about what a sexually healthy relationship looks like. These moves aren’t exotic, they don’t defy gravity – they’re not even all sex moves, per se - but they’ll make you feel closer to each other than ever before.

1. They get busy, period.
You don’t have to do the deed every day – or every six days, for that matter – to have a great relationship. But there’s no way around this fact: “The happiest couples have sex on a regular basis,” says Tina Tessina, Ph.D., author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. Avoiding a sex drought is crucial, because healthy sex reinforces and deepens closeness. “Couples who don’t keep sex going leave a wide-open space where other people start to look attractive,” notes Tessina. And regular sex sessions are especially important for guys. “One of the primary ways a man feels close to his partner is by being sexually close to her; it’s how he arrives at intimacy,” says Laura Berman, Ph.D., director of the Berman Center in Chicago. When a guy doesn’t get that regular body-bonding, he isn’t inspired to be romantic, which tends to cause his wife’s libido to wane, creating a vicious circle. That said, there’s no need to stress if you sometimes let a week or two go by without sex. In fact, in some amazing relationships, sex is a once-every-other-week occurrence. What’s key is that you’re both happy with your number. If you’re connecting sexually once a month or less, though, you may want to start a conversation with each other to make sure neither one of you is secretly craving more action. And if you are? Check out #2, below, and ease into a sexier relationship.

2. They touch out of bed, too.
They’re not the scary PDA couple, feeling each other up in the frozen food aisle. But they are the sort to hug for no reason, swap foot rubs just because and even make foreplay the main course. “There are five degrees of touch, and couples in the best relationships regularly do at least four of them,” says Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., marriage and sex therapist and author of Rekindling Desire. “Many couples have two modes of affection: nothing or intercourse, and when that’s the case, ‘nothing’ usually wins out,” he explains. Why? When a kiss or back rub always leads to nooky, spouses may end up avoiding contact unless they want sex. A better idea: Get hands-on when you’re not hoping to get it on. “Your sex will become much more natural, because one kind of touch flows into another,” says McCarthy. By physically connecting in small ways throughout the day, you stay warmed up for intense action later. And you’ll still feel close on those inevitable nights when you’re too stressed or tired (or both!) for the main event.

3. They have forgive-and-forget sex.
Makeup sex may not always be madly passionate, but couples who do it have an emotional advantage. Why? You’re keeping up intimacy during tough times, which is a key to making love last, says Tessina. Whether you actually fool around or just kiss and cuddle, “makeup sex heals a rift,” she adds. Reaching across the divide and touching your partner lets them know in a very powerful, nonverbal way that though you disagree with them, your love isn’t on the line. So it can put an insignificant squabble in perspective, as Janine discovered. “Bill and I used to have endless fights about small things, so at one point I said, ‘Next time we’re fighting about something stupid, just kiss me and it’ll be over.’” He didn’t believe something so simple would work, but “we’ve found holding and kissing each other can bridge the gap more effectively than hours of discussion about whether we’re seeing each other’s point of view.”

4. They never withhold nooky as punishment.
Warning: “Expressing anger by never being in the mood will doom your sex life.” Why? Besides the fact that it turns what should be a loving and giving act into a commodity, once sex becomes part of a couple’s power struggle, so much resentment builds that soon neither partner wants sex. So instead of feigning fatigue or rolling away from your partner next time you’re annoyed, speak up and clear the air – without sex being on the table.

5. They don’t expect Hollywood sex.
We can all picture it: candles glowing, white 1,000-thread-count bedsheets billowing, lovely lovemaking culminating in simultaneous, earthshaking orgasms. The only thing is, that almost never happens, says McCarthy. ”When you’re living together and have two kids, two jobs, etc., if you’re having Hollywood sex once a month, you’re doing great,” he says. According to McCarthy, among happily married couples, up to 15 percent of erotic encounters are not even enjoyable for one or both spouses. Maybe the sex is hurried, physically uncomfortable or doesn’t lead to the final fireworks. Secure couples are able to roll with off-nights, rather than taking them as a sign that something’s wrong with their relationship. And they don’t postpone sex until all the planets are perfectly aligned, either.

6. But they shoot for “special sex” anyway.
You have special “anniversary sex” on your anniversary, sure. But if you also orchestrate sexy adventures a few other times a year, you’re doing your relationship a huge favor. “Happy couples sometimes pull out the romantic stops,” says Berman. Not because romantic sex is more bonding, but because the act of making the effort – whether it’s booking a B&B or wearing a pretty new nightie rather than your threadbare PJs – sends a crucial message to your partner that you still care. And variety is the spice of a good sex life. “The latest research has found that one of the keys to sexual satisfaction is a sense of sexual adventurousness.” Plan a romantic adventure and the thrill of the new will give you both a rush – a hormone rush, that is. “Sleeping on new sheets (at home or in a hotel), trying a new position or anything new will actually inspire the same dopamine response in your brain that made you feel addicted to each other early in the relationship.” If you want to kick his/her lust hormones into high gear, make an effort, even a small one will do.

7. They do the ultimate intimate move.
Four words: Eye contact during orgasm. “It’s such a vulnerable moment that sharing it adds a huge degree of intimacy to your relationship,” says Berman, who notes that a lot of long-term couples can’t master this seemingly simple bedroom move. Locking eyes during lovemaking can also make you feel – and act – sexier.

8. They know how to get from dog poop to passion.
“One of the hardest things to do is to transition from, say, paying bills to being sexy with each other,” says Tessina. Successful couples find remarkably unremarkable ways to snap each other out of daily grind mode. How? They figure out their own shorthand for “let’s be sexy together.” Maybe your man stretches out on the sofa after the kids are in bed and invites you to hop up next to him. Or you swat his butt. Or say, “Gosh, there’s nothing on TV tonight, I wonder how we can fill the time?”

9. They’re playful.
Sure, super couples can be intense when it counts (see #7), but they’re also silly with each other on a daily basis. And having that playful streak is a prerequisite for passion. “A shared sense of humor is a very intimate thing because it shows you have great communication and understand how the other thinks.” In fact, Tessina has found that the intense passion of the courtship days often turns into silliness – which is actually a form of flirting. Amelia, 31, and her husband Jeff, 32, get a kick out of exchanging over-the-top romantic greeting cards. “Neither of us is into mushy things, so when Jeff first bought me an oversized Valentine’s Day card with glittery roses and poems on it, I cracked up, now we always surprise each other with the sappiest cards we can find.”

10. They believe in quickies.
Fast sex can be good sex. “Quickies are essential because they’re efficient,” says Tessina. “We just don’t have endless hours to make love.” Lori, 33, relies on short and sweet sex to stay connected to her husband during tough times. “When I come home at 10 at night, I am so exhausted that sex with lots of foreplay isn’t going to happen,” she says. “So I ask him, in the sexiest voice I can muster, ‘Want to have a quickie?’ Of course he’s always up for it, so it works for both of us.” And that’s key. Because though sex isn’t everything, says Berman, when it isn’t working, it’s a huge factor that creates problems that wouldn’t otherwise be there. “Couples who are connecting sexually are more compassionate and forgiving, more romantic and intimate, less lonely and sad, and much less susceptible to conflict,” she says. “They have this amazing connecting fiber holding them together.”

By Lisa Lombardi

Ten Tips for having a Smart Marriage/Relationship

1. Marriage matters.
Married people & their kids do better on all measures of health, wealth, happiness, & success. And, married folks report having more and better sex than single or divorced people.

2. It’s not the differences but how we handle them that separate successful marriages/relationships from the failures.
Disagreeing doesn’t predict divorce. Stonewalling, avoidance, contempt, criticism, and the silent treatment predict divorce/break-ups. Learn how to disagree in ways that help you fall more in love.

3. All happily committed/married couples have approximately ten irreconcilable differences – ten issues they will never resolve.
If we switch partners, we just get ten new issues that are likely to be even more annoying and complicated. Sadly, if there are children from an earlier marriage or relationship, disagreements about them go to the top of the list. What’s important is to discuss our own set of issues just as we would discuss how to manage living with a chronic bad back or trick knee. We wish they weren’t there, but what’s important is to keep talking about how to manage them and still do the relationship “dance”.

4. Love is not an absolute (a yes or no situation) and it’s not a limited substance.
It’s a feeling and feelings ebb and flow depending on how we treat each other. We can learn new ways to interact and the feelings “of being in love” can come flowing back, often stronger than before – it just requires a little bit of practice.

5. Marital/Relationship satisfaction often dips with the birth of a baby.
That’s normal. Marital satisfaction is at its lowest when there are kids in the house between 11 and 16. That’s normal. We need to know what to expect, appreciate our parenting partner – and hang in. It makes good sense to stay married for the sake of the kids – and for our own sake. Even with the challenges, it’s a lot easier to be a parenting team than to be a single, divorced, or remarried parent. Plus there is a silver lining: satisfaction goes back up with the empty nest. The final stage of marriage – with a job well done – is the real honeymoon period.

6. Sex ebbs and flows.
It comes and goes. That’s normal. Plan for and make time for more “flows”.

7. Creating good sex is not about putting the sizzle BACK INTO your sex life.
Early sex is sex between strangers – we don’t yet know our partner or ourselves. The most passionate sex is intimate sex based on knowing our partner and letting them know us. One of the most important tasks of marriage/relationships is to develop a satisfying sex style. It’s not about going BACK; it’s about going FORWARD, together.

8. Repair attempts are crucial and are highly predictive of relationship happiness.
They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic, but the willingness to make up after an argument, is central to every happy relationship.

9. Learn to welcome, embrace and integrate change – to discuss and update your wishes, hopes & dreams – on a regular basis.
We often “interview” each other before marriage/committing and then think “that’s it.” The marriage vow is a promise to stay married, not to stay the same. (Thank goodness!) Keep up-to-date with changes in your partner and yourself. Don’t fear changes, celebrate them!

10. Keep working on your relationship every day.
The moment you stop making an effort on working with your partner for your relationship is the day the trouble starts. It’s a bit like your job/career, you are constantly working at it. So too is the same intentionality required to keep your relationship on the happy path.

Attend relationship courses in need – the courses don’t tell you what kind of marriage/relationship to have. That’s up to you. They give you the tools – the hammers, screwdrivers, and levels – so you can build the kind of marriage/relationship that suits you, one which can help you to negotiate, and renegotiate, your own values, meaning, and goals.

Diane Sollee, founder director, www.SmartMarriages.com®
Copyright® CMFCE

Emotional Mastery – 10 tips for managing emotions 

An excellent book about management called “Conscious Business”, written by Fred Kofman includes topics that range from leadership and conflict management, to effective communication and accepting responsibility for one’s actions, all of which are brilliantly presented and discussed in great depth.
 
Chapter 8 illustrates the concept of ‘Emotional Mastery’. The inability to manage emotions (in particular ‘negative’ emotions) not only in your personal relationships but at work is a serious issue, and one that can be extremely damaging to leadership. It is often when we become careless with managing emotions that the dark side of our personality emerges. When emotions get the better of us, we suddenly revert to our biologically built-in response to threats and danger….flight, flight or freeze.
 
But it does not need to be this way. Yes, emotional mastery requires patience and a great deal of practice, and individual differences play a crucial role when it comes to the frequency and intensity with which we feel positive and negative emotions. But when deployed effectively, Emotional Mastery can go a long way to prevent lasting damage to our Ego, while co-currently promoting cohesion and understanding at work.
 
Tips for yourself:
 
1) Self-Awareness: this implies taking a step back in order to truly ‘observe’ and analyse our emotion(s) with a degree of perspective. What is the emotion(s) we are feeling?  It is important to give the emotion(s) in question space to ‘breathe’.
 
2) Self-Acceptance:  how many times have you felt ashamed for feeling angry, or jealous? Yet being judgemental about the way we feel is counterproductive. Emotions are hard-wired automatic responses and their presence is outside our control. You can’t help feeling the way you feel, so moving towards true acceptance is cited as hugely useful.
 
3) Self-Regulation: now that we have taken a step back, understood and accepted our emotion(s), we can learn to regulate them. This does not mean repressing or fighting them, but simply adjusting our response so that it becomes appropriate for our audience and the environment. The ability to regulate your emotions responses and impulses (which again varies significantly among individuals) plays a crucial role here.
 
4)  Self-Inquiry: this step involves identifying the root cause of the emotion in order to be able to differentiate facts from fiction. Indeed, at the source of many emotions is a distorted perception of how others are treating us, or the ‘real’ message they are trying to convey. Commonly presenting thoughts such as these can lead to distorted perception. Is our emotion justified? Are we misinterpreting others’ behaviours and intentions?
 
5)  Self-Expression: having understood and implemented the previous steps, we are now better able to express our emotions with honesty and respect (based on true understanding and acceptance of the emotions themselves). When we are not ‘possessed’ by the emotion, it is easier for us to tell others how something they said or did triggered a specific emotional response, opening the door to honest and productive dialogue instead of conflict.
  
Tips for working with others’ emotions:
 
1) Recognition: by observing someone else’s body language and behaviour we can make ‘inferences’ concerning the emotions that they may be feeling. Again, the emphasis here is on inferences – it is impossible to read someone else’s mind, so it is important to acknowledge the limitations of our opinions. The very nature of observing how you think somebody may be feeling can lead to open and creative conversation. 

2) Acceptance: this tip can be a real challenge, especially when faced with someone else’s anger. Anger inevitably triggers defensiveness, a normal and biologically logical response (referring again to the flight, flight or freezehuman response system). Still, we must accept and validate the emotions of others without judgement. This makes a lot of sense; try to tell an angry person to relax, or don’t be angry, or worse suggest that there is no need to be angry. What reactions do you think this may trigger? Yes, anger levels are likely to increase. 

3) Defusing: it is very easy to engage in a heated argument and become an active participant in its escalation. However, the best reaction sometimes is to not react at all in order to reduce the intensity of the emotion(s).  Escalation can easily lead to increasing the emotion (and the conflict) rather than defusing it. 

4 & 5) Inquiry & Listening: what is the other person thinking? Who/what has triggered the emotions they seem to be experiencing? The key here is to help others express their needs and interests in order to understand their position. We can support others in their emotional expression without sacrificing our own needs and interests.
 
These tips for yourself and others go some way to help us understand how emotions can be better managed; it is useful to remember however that we can’t live without emotions, nor we can make decisions without them. But, as Fred Kofman eloquently shows us, we can work towards enjoying the benefits and avoiding the drawbacks they may bring.

Source: Andrea Facchini, MSc. Business Psychologist

Our lives are a sum total of our relationships.  The relationships we have with our significant other, the ones we have with our family and friends.  The relationships we share with our business associates, co-workers, neighbors, church acquaintances, etc…  One of the best things YOU can do to improve your life is to improve your relationships.

If YOU would like to have better relationships, with any and all of the people you know, there’s one secret.  Improve your communication.

When I suggest this to most people, they simply think I mean to talk more to their partner.  That’s not it though.  That’s not enough.  Most people don’t know how to communicate well and communicating badly can often be worse than not communicating at all.  The average person doesn’t know how to share with others what they are thinking and feeling and they don’t know how to properly hear what others are saying to them.

Communication is not just a two way process, between the speaker and the listener, but a four part process, between what is being said and heard, interpreted and understood.  All four parts are critical for both parties.  Let’s cover each piece.

What is Being Said:
Words have a lot of meanings.  Choose them carefully.  Each word YOU use in conversation could change the meaning of what YOU intend to say and what is actually being heard.

What is Being Heard:
The flip side of what is being said is what is being heard.  Since most people love to talk and few people know how to listen, this is an important piece.  Think of this piece of the process as the filter.  This is where we pick and choose what we hear.

What is Being Interpreted:
Because there are different meanings for words and because we are all unique based on completely separate sets of life experiences, we all filter information differently.  Think of this part of the process as the piece where we begin to evaluate what is being heard, to really think about it.

What is Being Understood:
The final step in the process is what is being understood.  As we begin to interpret the information we are hearing, we give meaning to it.  This is where we make the judgement as to what we believe the other person has said.  Remember, this is our judgement and may or may not accurately reflect what the speaker intended to say.

How it works in the real world:
My 16 year old son works for me.  One of the things he does to earn money is to clean the house.  He’s not very good at it.  The other day, he was vacuuming but missing many of the nooks and crannies.  When you have dogs, it’s important to vacuum EVERYWHERE or the hair will just blow back around anyway.  My husband, whom I love to death, but who is honest about the fact that he doesn’t sugar coat anything; was informing my son that he needed to move the boxes on the floor to get behind them.  The exchange went something like this shortened version.

Husband, “You need to move the boxes to get behind them.”
Son, “I wasn’t thinking.”
H, “You need to think.  You can’t get through life without thinking.”
S, “I was thinking.”
H, “You just said you weren’t thinking.”
S, “I meant I wasn’t thinking about that. I’m not  stupid.” (A different word was used but I choose not to use it here).
H, “I didn’t say you were stupid, I said you weren’t thinking.” 

This conversation went on for a full 10 minutes before I had to intervene and explain that they were each hearing things completely differently from the other, even if they might have been using the same words.

How, then, do you have better communication?
Always remember that the words you use and the words they use may have different meanings based on yours and their set of individual life experiences.  Choose to clarify what you believe you are hearing them say so there are no misunderstandings.  Keep an open mind to the idea that you may be interpreting things much more harshly than they may be intending them.

As a family, we are working on better relationships.  My husband doesn’t sugar coat things.  It was a very hard thing for me to get used to.   We’ve been together for over 12 years now.  In those 12 years, I learned to realize that what he said was not a direct attack at me but simply the simplest way he could put things into words.   My son asked my husband to rephrase the term “thinking” in the conversation above.  My husband said he didn’t know how to soften it other than saying “paying attention”.  But, he said, he didn’t see the difference between those two statements.  My son and I saw a world of difference.

What can you do differently to have better relationships and better communication?

Source Nicole Bandes, Golden Eagles Coaching

How much does it cost to be in a relationship with you?

What value do you bring to your personal and professional relationships?

Knowing your worth allows you to develop a healthy ego and self-esteem, which can go a long way toward developing and maintaining supportive, mutually beneficial relationships. The best part about realizing your worth is understanding that you don’t have to be a doormat or jerk to make others realize your value. So, grab a pen and paper then find a quiet, comfortable place to sit.

Assessing Relational Value
A relationship is, ideally, a mutually beneficial relationship based on some form of respect and genuine appreciation for the other person. While assessing relational value isn’t an exact science, people tend to look for six qualities:

1. Patience – The ability to hear another’s point of view while reserving judgment.
2. Honesty – The ability to share your thoughts and feelings in tactful ways so others are able to hear and digest what you’ve said.
3. Empathy – The ability to understand and imagine what it must be like to be in another person’s situation.
4. Boundaries – The ability to set limits for yourself and respect the limits of others.
5. Mirroring – The ability to identify what good or positive qualities others possess.
6. Communication – The ability to honestly articulate your thoughts and feelings in a clear, cohesive manner.

What’s Your Value?
The more these qualities are present in a relationship, the more value that relationship holds.
Therefore, the more you’re able to perform the above functions in your relationships, the more valuable you – and a relationship with you – become. On the other hand, the less able you are to perform these functions, the less value you possess for those in a relationship with you.

All things being equal, each of these qualities are just as important as the others. If you identify with:

Two qualities:
Your value is minimal and a relationship with you is no more or less valuable than with anyone else.
DOWNSIDE: You may notice that most of your relationships are short or fizzle after some time has passed.

Four qualities:
Your value is moderate. You make people feel special and seem to draw others to you.
DOWNSIDE: You may notice that people either take you for granted, drain your emotional reserve or cling to you. While others may not know it consciously, you’re important to them and they usually don’t realize how important you are to them until you’re gone. This is because you unconsciously help them perform a function they may be unable to perform themselves. The value you bring to your relationships is one-sided and tend to benefit others while having a low payout for you. Look for relationships that are mutually beneficial.

Five or more qualities:
Your value is high. You’re respected and people are aware of how valuable you are to them.
DOWNSIDE: There are none! Chances are very low that someone will take you for granted; chances are also high that people will not let the relationship go without regret or remorse. CHA-CHING! You’re worth your weight in gold.

A Plan for Improvement
Now that you have a sense of your relational value, it’s time to plan for how to increase or maintain your value.

If you have five to six qualities, you’re in great shape!

If you have three to four qualities, you may want to take some action to get you to the next level of relationship development as well as support your emotional well-being. Your emotional well-being is the most important part of your improvement plan, because this is a growing phase that’s typically uncomfortable. You may want to look at developing better emotional boundaries and self-care.

If you have two or fewer qualities, you may want to strongly consider getting a therapist or coach to work with you on your relational challenges. There may be deep-seated issues that are preventing you from developing the qualities needed to have healthy, long-term relationships. The first thing to consider working on in is your personal truth.

Source Jinnie English

Five Myths and Truths About Emotions 

Myths:
1.Expressing an emotion will deplete it and get rid of it. 
Many health professionals and therapists encourage their clients to express their emotions as an end in itself . Yes, expressing an emotion will, in that moment, release the emotion and you’ll sometimes feel some relief. But, the emotion will come back as soon as the beliefs that generated it return (which they invariably do). Think about people with anger problems. They get angry, yell, scream, punch a wall, they feel relief and the anger dissipates. But, the anger always comes back (unless something changes in their thinking).

2.  Emotions are irrational and detached from reason.
Emotions come from our held beliefs and are the direct result of our thinking. Emotions can be irrational (when based on faulty reasoning or inaccurate appraisals) or rational and appropriate (when based on accurate reasoning and beliefs). The fact that someone is having an emotion doesn’t make the emotion healthy or unhealthy, good or bad, rational or irrational. The only way to verify the validity of an emotion is to identify the ideas that triggered it, and evaluate the truth or falsity of those ideas. Thinking and emotions are connected—you can’t have one without the other.

3. Emotions come directly from chemicals in our brain.
This is partly true, because emotions are biological and do come from chemicals in our bodies (although what these chemicals consist of and how they generate emotions is not well understood). However, how do the chemicals in our bodies know which emotions to trigger at any given moment? How does the body know to feel sad when a friend dies or fearful when a car is racing towards us? The answer is our minds (through perception, thoughts, beliefs, and mental pictures) tell our brains what’s going on outside of us, and that causes our brains to trigger the particular chemical changes in our bodies that create an emotion. This process happens automatically, in a split second.

4. The only way to deal with emotions is to control them or indulge them.
These are false alternatives. Controlling emotions through repression or denying their expression is unhealthy and leads to unhappiness. When you repress negative emotions such as sadness, anger, and guilt, you also repress the positive ones. Indulging emotions means acting as if every emotion you have is true and valid and then acting on them blindly. It’s the “do whatever I feel” mentality, and it’s also unhealthy and potentially dangerous. The healthy approach to emotions is to understand them through self development and introspectoin and then decide what to do with them.

5. Crying is weak.
So many people hold this belief, and as a result, they don’t let themselves cry. Or if they do cry, they feel guilty for not controlling it. Somewhere along the way, the person was taught and accepted the idea that crying is weak and that he or she should control it and just “buck up and be strong.” This couldn’t be more wrong. Emotions are part of our biological make-up. Saying someone shouldn’t feel sad or cry is like saying you shouldn’t feel pain or cry out when stuck with a sharp pin. To deny your emotions is to deny you’re human. When we have a loss, such as a loved one dying or being laid off from a job we love, it’s normal and healthy to cry and mourn that loss. It’s actually healthy to cry because we’re doing what our body requires to heal. It’s also a strength because it takes courage to cry and be vulnerable. How and when we cry is another question, and there are times and places that are more appropriate for crying than others (e.g., crying in front of close friends or loved ones rather than at a job interview). But that’s very different than saying you shouldn’t ever cry, or that crying as such is weak.

Truths:
1. Emotions are our fuel.
Without emotions, we wouldn’t have motivation to do anything. This is hard to imagine, as you have always had them. Emotions provide the fuel to go after our goals and values. Without the feeling of excitement about a goal, for example, or the anticipation of the feelings of joy or pride when we achieve it, we would never go after the goal. Without the incredible feeling of love, we would never pursue a romantic partner or even want to be in a relationship. What would be the point? Emotions are our rewards for accomplishing things that are important to us (e.g., getting a much coveted job, receiving a good grade in school, beating our time in a 10K). It’s feelings that make life worthwhile and that allow us to enjoy the values we have.

2. Emotions are uniquely human.
Animals don’t experience emotions like human beings do. This is because we have a rational mind that can think abstractly and conceptually. Animals are only perceptual beings, and therefore their emotions are based on physical sensations, such as pleasure and pain, comfort and discomfort. For example, a dog might cry when you leave him home alone. But, this is not the same as a woman crying when her husband goes off to war. The dog is only aware (perceptually) that you are not there and he’s “sad” because he’s not getting attention, affection, or food. He doesn’t think, “My master has left me, which means he won’t be playing with me, petting me, or feeding me.” He cries because these things give him pleasure and comfort when you’re there, and pain and discomfort when you’re not. The woman’s sadness about her husband is very different. She understands conceptually the many reasons she loves him, and that she’ll be without him for a specified period of time. She also knows that her husband could get seriously injured or killed, and this would be a huge loss. She might also feel proud of him for his courageous desire to defend his country and those he loves. Her ability to think abstractly and conceptually allows her to experience emotions at a much deeper and more complex level than a dog or any other animal can. Human beings are the only animal that have this unique capacity.

3. Negative emotions are not necessarily bad or unhealthy.
Sadness, guilt, anxiety, fear, and anger are commonly referred to as negative emotions, because they’re usually painful and unpleasant to feel. However, these emotions (when coming from rational premises), are a normal part of life and are actually healthy and beneficial to us. For example, when we lose something we value (a friend, a job, a favored possession) we feel sad. This is not only normal and appropriate, it’s healthy. It would be unusual and abnormal to not feel sad after losing a major value. The more important the value, the stronger the sadness. If we didn’t ever feel sad, it would mean we didn’t value anything, and then our lives would hold no meaning or joy. We feel angry when there’s been an injustice or when we think something is unfair. The anger is valuable because then we can do something about it and stick up for ourselves or right the injustice (if possible). But, we would never do this if we didn’t feel the anger to begin with. All negative emotions have this benefit. You just have to make sure the emotion is coming from an accurate assessment based on facts. If it is, it’s valuable; if not, then you can correct your assessment and that will change the emotion.

4. Men have the same emotional capacity as women.
A common belief in society is that men are more rational and women are more emotional. Many people believe this is a genetic or biological difference, and that this is just how men and women are built. The fact is that men have the same capacity to feel and express emotions as women. The problem is that culturally, most men are taught from a young age that being a man means to be “strong” and not show your emotions (unless of course it’s anger). Women, on the other hand, are supposed to be more fragile and sensitive, and it’s normal for them to cry. Because these ideas are saturated in our culture, they become accepted as true and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. But, this idea causes a lot of harm. Many men tend to repress their emotions, which leads to unhappiness, stress, and potentially, mental health problems. It also wreaks havoc in relationships because women are left having to guess or mind read what their partner is thinking and feeling, which leads to many misunderstandings and built-up resentment. The antidote to this mentality is to reject the premise underlying it, and for men to realize that it’s healthy and part of being a human being to feel and express emotions.

5. Nobody can make you feel anything.
Most people think that their emotions come from what happens outside of them—such as situations, events, or other people. You hear people say all the time, “He made me so angry,” “She made me feel bad about myself” or “She makes me so happy.” But, it’s not other people’s actions that make us feel something, but rather how we think about their actions. If someone says to you, “You’re such a jerk and so insensitive,” and in your mind you agree with their statement, you’ll feel emotions such as sadness, shame, or guilt. If instead you think what the person says is ridiculous, you might feel amusement or nothing at all. It’s the same statement but depending on how you process it in your mind, it’ll create varied emotional reactions or no reaction at all. When you fully accept the truth that other people don’t control your emotions, you’ll gain power and control over your life because you’re now taking full responsibility for your emotions, and not blaming them on something outside of your control (i.e., someone else’s behavior). Once you do this, you can decide how you want to react to the person and how best to handle their behavior towards you. If you don’t accept and take the responsibility that you’re in the driver’s seat of your emotions (or at least can change a reaction you don’t like), you’ll always be at the mercy of other people’s behavior, and that’s not a healthy or happy place to be.

Source: www.zimbio.com

The Art of Communication

There are two kinds of problems in marriage – those that can be resolved and those that can’t.

The bad news is that two-thirds of marriage problems are not resolvable. This is true whether you are in a master marriage or a disaster marriage – happy and unhappy couples fight about the same things. Research clearly demonstrates that conflict is not the cause of unhappy marriages – its how conflict is handled that makes the difference yet most couples wait for six years after they know their relationship is in serious trouble before they seek help.

Dr. John Gottman’s research identifies communication styles that predict the end of a relationship, called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. (If you’re not familiar with Biblical references, the Four Horsemen are a metaphor for conquest, war, hunger, and death associated with the end times). In marriage – the four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

The first destructive horseman in a relationship is criticism. Understanding the difference between criticizing and complaining is more than semantics, because criticism is the slippery slope that slides into contempt. Criticisms creep in when complaints are ignored. Criticisms are global attacks on character and worth that target the shortcomings of the other. Complaints are objective statements of unmet needs.

The second horseman is contempt. Contempt is intentionally abusing your spouse – verbally, emotionally, and psychologically. Contempt expresses the complete absence of any admiration and is delivered with insults, name-calling, hostile humor, mockery, and body language. Contempt is toxic and its presence is an indication of a disintegrating marriage. It must be eliminated.

If criticism and contempt are a regular part of your relationship style, think about seeking help take get a different take on this. These two horsemen grew up in childhood wounds such as parental criticism, shaming, belittling or excessive demands.

The third horseman is defensiveness. It’s a natural reaction to being criticized or treated contemptuously. It’s also a way of sidestepping responsibility. If we are ignoring complaints, failing to contribute creative solutions, those complaints are likely to become criticisms which we naturally want to defend against.

Remember the mantra: Don’t attack. Don’t defend. Don’t Withdraw. Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse. Stay present, especially when the going gets rough.

The fourth horseman is stonewalling. When we stonewall, we avoid the hard work of growing up, either because we are unaware of our own feelings or because we are afraid of conflict. Rather than dealing directly with the issue or with our partner, we check out by tuning out, turning away, engaging in busyness or obsessive behaviors. We simply stop relating to the most important people in our lives.

Contempt is the most lethal of the four. It’s the acid rain on a marriage, withering affection and destroying hope. So for a simple marriage, you simply have to get rid of these – and contempt has to go first.

Here are some tools that will help you along the way:

• Talk face to face.
• Turn off other distractions during the conversation.
• Don’t answer the phone.
• Forget about being right or wrong.
• Focus on the intention.
• Seek compassionate connection.

Imago Relationship theory explains these differences which often lead to issues and frustrations in a relationship, and are actually a natural part of our growth process and how we communicate with each other.

source: Simple Marriage

“In each journey of your life you must be where you are. You may only be passing through on your way to somewhere else seemingly more important – nevertheless, there is purpose in where you are right now.” (Rabbi Tzvi Freeman)

There is more meaning in the search for a soul mate than finding the perfect partner for life. As important as this goal is, there is a purpose in the process itself. The alternative could be a growing enslavement to negativity, self-doubt and hopelessness. These Four questions can help one see a deeper purpose in this process.

1) What Can I Give?
When one thinks of doing kindness for another, images of charity come to mind. Though such acts require an investment of time/money and other resources, we usually feel good afterward because of the deep satisfaction of helping another person. In general, we do not view our Partner to be an act of kindness. To some degree it becomes like any other task with a goal, in this case to have a relationship and to have a nice time while doing so.

While that is obviously important, it can also serve as a chance to offer respect and care for another person. The form this takes varies from person to person. In some cases, the act of treating someone to a nice meal in a restaurant, and truly listening to them, can lift the other person’s spirits and make them feel better after a stressful day. Or, as your partner describes a problem they are dealing with, you can share your own lesson that could help them find a solution. You could just be the teacher or the student, each one an opportunity to grow and self evolve.

2) What Can I Learn?
To some degree, this is the flip side to the first question, although they certainly are not mutually exclusive. So besides the more obvious purpose of the relationship, try to recognize that the person you are with may be a messenger to teach you something about yourself that you need to know.

3) Why Am I Here?
Of course, the purpose of a relationship is to get to know someone better. But perhaps that’s only on the surface. On a deeper level you may come into contact with other people through your partner that may need to hear something from you. The bottom line is that on almost any instance, other people and situations will surround you. Perhaps you have been paired up with your Partner to make a difference in the lives of others in a way that neither of you could have anticipated.

4) How Can I Grow?
Every day we pray to God with a multitude of requests: health for those who are ill, jobs for those who are unemployed, our own daily needs. Yet when we pray about finding “The One”, you need to ask yourself what you really want out of life and the values that are most important to you. On an interpersonal level, you are constantly being tested to see if you can “walk the talk” of being the person you want to be and the value system you subscribe to. These tests come in all forms and shapes that no one else may be aware of:

• Can you resist the temptation to tell your friends about how poorly you were treated by a man/woman and point out all their faults, when doing so serves no constructive purpose?
• Can you avoid being abrupt or rude with the person you’re talking, so you can race across the room to speak to someone who does interest you?
• Can you be fully present and treat a person with attentiveness and respect when after five minutes (or less) you don’t think you will ever see them again?
• Can you have the integrity to not pursue something which could be comfortable, but inconsistent with your values?

Imago Relationship theory explains why these differences which often lead to issues and frustrations in a relationship are actually a natural part of our growth process and how we communicate with each other. When we select a partner, it is the result of an unconscious match between a mental image of our parents/caretakers, created in childhood (called Imago) and certain character traits of our attracted partner that we identify with.

by Gary Tolchinsky

As we go through life and learn the various tasks involved in growing up, perhaps one of the most anticipated task in life is learning to drive. Remember how much we looked forward to the freedom of driving?

While learning to drive, one important lesson was how to stop the car. It’s the first thing we’re taught. The reason – learning to apply the brakes is vitally important to all those in the car, and around the car. Well…putting on the brakes is an important skill in marriage and relationships as well.

When your conversation starts off on the wrong foot or you find you’re both in a cycle of blame and defensiveness, you can often prevent a disaster if you know how to ‘apply the brakes’ Marriage researcher John Gottman calls these brakes repair attempts and they’re the secret weapon of happy couples.

Marriages that are built on and sustain a good marital friendship are not devoid of arguing and disagreements. In fact, 69% of marriage problems are perpetual. Repair attempts, when used well, are the secret weapon that prevents arguments getting out of hand. The two key factors in determining whether repair attempts are successful are:

1. The current state of the relationship.
2. The ability of the attempt to get through to your partner.

For example – Bob and Susan were in a heated discussion about their house move. They see eye to eye on where they want to live, how to set up the house (mostly), and where to put the kids in school. The battle lines are being drawn over the set up of the family room. Susan thinks they should use their current TV and sound system while Bob wants to use the chance to upgrade to a new system he’s had his eye on for some time now. It’s not extravagant and they have the money from the sale of their current home…but the more they talk, the louder it gets.

If someone overheard the argument, they’d think there was no hope of a lasting marriage…when all of a sudden Susan puts her hands on her hips in perfect imitation of their 4 year old daughter, and proceeds to stick out her tongue. Since Bob knows she’s about to do this, he beats her to it by sticking out his tongue first. They both start laughing…and this silliness defuses the tension between them.

Repair attempts are any statement or action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from spiraling out of control. When a couple has a solid foundation together and a good friendship with each other, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly receiving those sent their way. If a couple is negatively locked down with each other, even a blatant repair attempt of “Hey, I’m sorry” will have trouble getting through.

What determines the success of repair attempts is the strength of the marital friendship. Everyone has room to grow and improve when it comes to strengthening the state of their marital friendship. This is not as easy as simply being “friendly” or “nice.” It involves our own personal growth and emotional maturity, as well as our spouse’s although we are each responsible for our own emotional growth.

Begin to learn and recognize the repair attempts between you as they happen. Sometimes they are missed because they don’t come sugar-coated and could be a simple “Why are you changing the subject” or “Can’t we discuss this later?” This is still a repair attempt and is often overlooked.

One of the best strategies to begin with is to make your attempts obvious and formal. Statements like “this is getting out of hand, can we discuss this later” or “can I take that last statement back, I’m sorry” can go a long way in smoothing the waters between you. If you’re on the receiving end of a repair attempt, your job is to simply try and accept it. Confront you own anxieties and tension from the discussion and plan to come together to discuss more at a later time when you are both calmer.

Source - Simple Marriage