Ten Tips for having a Smart Marriage/Relationship 
1. Marriage matters.
Married people & their kids do better on all measures of health, wealth, happiness, & success. And, married folks report having more and better sex than single or divorced people.
2. It’s not the differences but how we handle them that separate successful marriages/relationships from the failures.
Disagreeing doesn’t predict divorce. Stonewalling, avoidance, contempt, criticism, and the silent treatment predict divorce/break-ups. Learn how to disagree in ways that help you fall more in love.
3. All happily committed/married couples have approximately ten irreconcilable differences – ten issues they will never resolve.
If we switch partners, we just get ten new issues that are likely to be even more annoying and complicated. Sadly, if there are children from an earlier marriage or relationship, disagreements about them go to the top of the list. What’s important is to discuss our own set of issues just as we would discuss how to manage living with a chronic bad back or trick knee. We wish they weren’t there, but what’s important is to keep talking about how to manage them and still do the relationship “dance”.
4. Love is not an absolute (a yes or no situation) and it’s not a limited substance.
It’s a feeling and feelings ebb and flow depending on how we treat each other. We can learn new ways to interact and the feelings “of being in love” can come flowing back, often stronger than before – it just requires a little bit of practice.
5. Marital/Relationship satisfaction often dips with the birth of a baby.
That’s normal. Marital satisfaction is at its lowest when there are kids in the house between 11 and 16. That’s normal. We need to know what to expect, appreciate our parenting partner – and hang in. It makes good sense to stay married for the sake of the kids – and for our own sake. Even with the challenges, it’s a lot easier to be a parenting team than to be a single, divorced, or remarried parent. Plus there is a silver lining: satisfaction goes back up with the empty nest. The final stage of marriage – with a job well done – is the real honeymoon period.
6. Sex ebbs and flows.
It comes and goes. That’s normal. Plan for and make time for more “flows”.
7. Creating good sex is not about putting the sizzle BACK INTO your sex life.
Early sex is sex between strangers – we don’t yet know our partner or ourselves. The most passionate sex is intimate sex based on knowing our partner and letting them know us. One of the most important tasks of marriage/relationships is to develop a satisfying sex style. It’s not about going BACK; it’s about going FORWARD, together.
8. Repair attempts are crucial and are highly predictive of relationship happiness.
They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic, but the willingness to make up after an argument, is central to every happy relationship.
9. Learn to welcome, embrace and integrate change – to discuss and update your wishes, hopes & dreams – on a regular basis.
We often “interview” each other before marriage/committing and then think “that’s it.” The marriage vow is a promise to stay married, not to stay the same. (Thank goodness!) Keep up-to-date with changes in your partner and yourself. Don’t fear changes, celebrate them!
10. Keep working on your relationship every day.
The moment you stop making an effort on working with your partner for your relationship is the day the trouble starts. It’s a bit like your job/career, you are constantly working at it. So too is the same intentionality required to keep your relationship on the happy path.
Attend relationship courses in need – the courses don’t tell you what kind of marriage/relationship to have. That’s up to you. They give you the tools – the hammers, screwdrivers, and levels – so you can build the kind of marriage/relationship that suits you, one which can help you to negotiate, and renegotiate, your own values, meaning, and goals.
Diane Sollee, founder director, www.SmartMarriages.com®
Copyright® CMFCE